fitness routine that works

As a preface to the details of my routine, let me first state that I am a 55 year old male that can still bench press 315 lbs, and can still play basketball with the high school kids at the park. So, you should pay careful attention to the particulars of my fitness routine.
I awake at 6 am Monday Morning. I take my two palms and press them against each other for 7 seconds. This isometric exercise works the chest. After the 7 seconds is finished, i walk briskly from the bedroom to the kitchen. It is important to walk in an upright position and pump your arms in a vertical manner. I then use my right hand to swing the refrigerator door open, wherein I find the two slices of pizza left over from the night before. I swiftly eat the two slices of pizza, but leave over the crust on one of the slices, as caloric intake must be watched.

I now go back to sleep and set my alarm clock for 11 am.

Now, it is time for some cardio. I get dressed and jog up the street two blocks. Again, it is imperative to jog up the street, as opposed to down, as it burns more calories going up. This is a well known fact. Also, the Dunkin Donuts is conveniently up the street. Upon reaching the destination of Dunkin Donuts, it is important to reward yourself with a treat, similar to the way you train your dog and get a Pavlovian response. Your brain must associate exercise with reward to attain the desired result. After slowly eating the jelly donut, i now wash it down with a zero calorie Gatorade. Again, it is important to watch your calories , hence the zero calorie Gatorade.

It is now 2 pm. I go the gym wherein i do three sets of bench press. I start at 135 and do 12 reps. I then wait 1 minute and do 6 reps at 225. I wait 1 more minute and do 1 rep at 315. I then do 25 reps on the stomach crunch machine after which i pat my belly.

I then go to sleep.

It is important to rest the next day so your body can rejuvenate.

Rinse and repeat 3 days a week. Take the weekends off. And you, too, can have a body like the Governor of New Jersey.

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